went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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