no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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