Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
