Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
