I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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