ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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