She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
