she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
