Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
