We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
