I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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