not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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