i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
