Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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