hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
