xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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