my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
