meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize