I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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