I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
