I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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