I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
