I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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