I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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