I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
