I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
