remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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