from now on my penis is your penis
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
