no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
