Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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