and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize