Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
