I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
