I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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