I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
