Can i not drive my cunt home
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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