she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
