you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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