i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
