Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
