I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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