dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
