Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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