I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I deserve this hangover.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
