did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
