I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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