It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
