I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
