Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
