Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize