two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
