So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
