I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
