Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
