All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize