I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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